看書上了癮，便一鼓作氣的再看完了The Lovely Bones和陶晶瑩的我愛故我在。
The Lovely Bones寫的是一個被殘酷殺害后升上天堂的女孩子看著愛她的人如何去追尋真相和生活在沒有她的世界。一開始看以為是偵探類型，讀下去才發覺主角不是離開的她，而是留下來的大家。作為消遣來看最好，或許也能體會些別的。
喜歡上陶子是因為那張愛缺。但印象最深刻的卻是一首離開我。不怎么看綜藝節目，更喜歡歌聲里細膩柔軟的她。
去朋友家看Oscar，因為早了些，又對誰誰誰穿了誰誰誰的裙子不怎么感冒，順手拿起這本書翻了幾頁。她講了許多故事。故事說不上新奇，文筆也算不上特別，但字語間的真誠卻讓我一直看下去。
嗯，她是個很對我胃口的女人。
人到了一定的年紀，總會對人生有各種總結和觀點。雖然我們永遠都不能確定自己是否正確，而任何有自知之明的人都知道自己的信念不一定適合他人，別人的經歷也不能輕易套進自己的人生。但看看別人說的話，想想其中的道理，或許現在不懂不茍同，但在某個未知的明天，你會突然記起許久前看過的一段話，而感嘆那真是至理名言呀。
When the mind needs distraction, read 
That’s how I spent this somewhat gorgeous Saturday, at home, in bed, already finished with one book and halfway through another.
A group of girlfriends had gotten together a few weeks back and traded our favorite and not so favorite books. I think I came home with the biggest pile but I had yet to start picking through.
The first book I chose was Sophie’s World. I soon realized I had read it some time back, and not so certain whether I managed to finish it. I picked up another, The Professor and the Madman, and after skimming through the preface, expected a Sherlock Holmes style tale of murder and suspense.
I soon realized that the crime has long been solved, and it was not a tale of heartless murder, but a sad story of a man who became a murderer due to his mental condition, and while he would always have to live with the guilt of his crimes, he also left his legacy as a scholar and a contributor to one of the greatest literary feats ever.
The man’s name was W. C. Minor. An American surgeon, Civil War veteran, from a well to do family with remarkable intelligence, and mentally insane. Committed to an asylum for murdering a complete stranger out of paranoia, he answered a call to volunteer for the making of the Oxford English Dictionary, and through it found a friend in the editor, James Murray. He never recovered from his illness and spent the rest of his life in mental institutions, but he was no longer just the crazy murderer, but one of the top contributors to the Oxford English Dictionary.
Every one of us has used a dictionary. Whether it was the old, bulky paper kind, the slim electronic ones that fit in your pocket, or dictionary.com, who would ever think that at one point they didn’t exist? That Shakespeare never had any point of reference for the words he used in his plays, and people in 19th century London could never settle the argument of how to spell supersede (trust me, there is no “c” in supersede)? While we now take for granted the ease of contributing information through wiki or urban dictionary, the task was far more difficult in the 1800s, when James Murray took on the monumental task of editing the first edition of OED. And he, along with contributors like W.C. Minor, spent not years, but decades on this singular task, looking through volumes of archaic texts, searching for the most suitable definition of the obscure as well as the common words.
Isn’t it great to leave something for the world? I thought as I finished the final chapter. Some say, children are the legacies people leave. While that may be true, but what of the life we lead before the children came along? Were we not at one time young and ambitious and out to conquer the world? Most of us would never made it to the newspaper headlines as CEOs of Fortune 500 companies or Olympic gold medalists, does it mean we have no story worth mentioning? No pride worth sharing? If I were to disappear from this world tomorrow, I would hope that I left something that could be shown to the world with pride. Perhaps that is just my Leo perspective, always hoping to be center stage with the spotlight shining on me. But I’d like to think everyone wants to be remembered, and remembered for something great.
Do you want to be remembered? And if so, have you found what you want to be remembered for?
上一次去溫哥華還是三年前去與Alice碰面。也不記得細節，只記得風和日麗，我們六人相處似多年舊識。也不過是三年時間，搬家的搬家，換工的換工，訂婚的訂婚，似乎只有我一個人還在老地方等待。還好友情長在，那些久遠的回憶便更加珍惜。
喜歡奧運會不是一年兩年。因為高中時愛上笑容迷人的俄國滑冰選手，便還更喜歡偏冷門的冬運多一些。大學的時候也與朋友相約一定要去體驗奧運會，確是不曾成行。誰知道這次不到兩天的時間請假訂好機票房間，又咬牙花高價買下花樣滑冰的決賽的票。而這一切，不過是因為看到一句簡短的狀態消息。
這可是所謂機緣？輾轉了兩夜，不去怕會后悔，去亦是。只看如何痛得短淺些。最后下定決心，是覺得這輩子后悔的事情只記得那些沒做過的，嘗試過而失敗的卻一件也想不起來。
而事實上我一點也不曾后悔。那是多么瘋狂而完美的三天時間。也企圖用文字形容，最后還是作罷。謝謝你，與我分享這once in a lifetime。
O.A.R. -- Gift
From night til dawn, you soldiered on, did ya?
Each day is a gift
But you lead us strong and kept us on, did ya?
Like each day is a gift
I never thought that I’d be here with you
Saying all these words that I have to
After all is said and all is done
I never meant to ever hurt no one
And nothing has to change
You and I are strange
Passing in the night between the darkness and the rainAt the crack of dawn, you grabbed my arm did ya?
Each day was a gift
You told me slow
Before I move on you must remember
Each day is a gift
I never understood it was for you
Could never be for me
This will have to do
Yet after all you’ve said and all you’ve done
I know you never meant to hurt no one
And nothing has to change
You and I are strange
Passing in the night between the darkness and the rain
Nothing has to change
You and I can be strange
Passing in the days between the morning and the rain
I can see you now, it’s like you’re never goneFrom dusk til dawn, you soldiered on
Like each day was a gift
Oh you lead us strong but you couldn’t hold on
And that’s fine cause each day was a giftI don’t know when I’ll be home
So save a place for me til I get there
I don’t know when I’ll be home
So save a place for me
Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
To go or not to go? That is the question.
I made a mental list of pros and cons, and they’ve been fighting in my head all weekend.
And I finally decided, if I’m going to have regrets in life, let it be for the things I did, and not for the things I didn’t have the courage to do.
二十年未見的大雪。大家都驚喜得不知所措。
帶了Alice送的大小Danbo出去玩雪。一家四口還堆了個大雪人，好玩得很。
還沒有看春晚，只是朋友發了王菲和小虎隊的片段來。小虎隊唱的還是那么爛，王菲唱的還是那么美，我還是兩個都固執的喜歡。
但是我們都老了呀。我看王菲穿著Alexander McQueen的艷麗粉紅色，雖然臉上不見一絲皺紋，也遮不住眼角的滄桑。而幾只小虎更是早就脫掉了青澀，再唱再跳，也不再是當年的陽光少年。
真是忙碌的周末。兩個朋友的生日，新年和情人節，再加上奧運會開幕式和NBA全明星賽。一天比一天晚回家，倦得很。
那之后，就是從來都逃不過的狂歡過后的低谷。
酒精作祟，憑記憶撥了個熟悉的號碼。清晨四點半，那里，也是兩點多了。
連自己家里的電話都記不住，刪了這么久的號碼倒還是記得清清楚楚的。
Google Talk上他的名字刪了又加。也不是要和他講話，只是偶爾看看他還在，就夠了。他倒是從來也不曾刪掉我。
直到現在。
把他的名字加上去居然什么都沒有。一時覺得空蕩蕩的。
一直以來，最難過的事不是因為你曾經傷害我，而是因為你不需要我。
但是MSN上你還是在的。只是，在我們不再視屏以后，你也就從來不曾在線了。
這樣也好，我并不期待與你聊天。只是胡亂地自言自語了一堆若是你會看，反而不會說的話。
她唱，只是因為人群里多看了你一眼。。。
宅到連客廳都懶得去。
喜歡的電視在網上都能看到。只晚一點點。
在NBC上選冬奧里面自己喜歡的運動看。這幾天的，只看了short track, snowboard cross, 和pairs figure skating.
前兩個都是看得緊張無比。Ohno這塊銀牌真是多虧了韓國人的自相殘殺。Wescott卻是全靠自己一點點追上。
最精彩的自然是趙宏博和申雪的復出。十年前是我最瘋狂愛戀花樣滑冰的年代。記得那時候他們總被批評動作僵硬，不夠graceful。那時候我也是更喜歡Berezhnaya/Sikharulidze。這幾年來有了其他的興趣，冰上都是生面孔。能再看到他們真是覺得親切。申雪尖叫落淚的那一刻，居然也忍不住紅了眼眶。
終于又記起了為什么這么愛看奧運會。
還有十二天。讓我一直沉浸在感動中吧：）
從高中起電腦換了不知道多少臺。內存雖然遺失了不少，卻有一些偷偷的在角落安靜的待了上十年。
比如說這樣一封信，最后改動的日期是2000年8月22日。它其實并算不上一封信，只是朋友給我的VCD上存的小文檔。那張宇多田光的VCD我已經找不到了，卻奇跡般的保留下了這段溫暖的回憶。
他說，夏天要結束了，真難相信呢！還記得你告訴過我的那些新學期的愿望嗎？我也有一些呢。我要：
1) 做一個更快樂的人
2) 少玩些電動
3) 認真學習
他說，與父母間的關系越來越差，從小他們都只會教訓我，現在我都快20歲了，才想要與我交流，他們以為那么簡單嗎？
他說，真高興有你們這群好朋友，才讓我的生活這樣有趣。我永遠都不會把你們的友情當作理所當然。
把這樣一段他早已忘記的青澀回憶寄了給他，兩人免不了又是唏噓一番。他說，我已經不聽亞洲音樂，但是那時候學的韓文在工作上還能用到一些。電動早沒有時間打，一下班回家就睡覺。關于家庭，他只字不提，只說婚禮的安排真是麻煩。
我已經不是他傾訴的那個人，但是想起曾經有人這樣珍惜我們之間的友情，便覺得幸福。
興趣來了便搜索了一番，又找到與另外一個朋友的一段對話。他喜歡上一個連名字都不知道的女孩，給她取了個可愛的昵稱叫Elfy。我慫恿他把遇見她的心情寫出來，現在拿來讀，真是孩子氣。可惜現在都難得能與他說上句話，我猜剛訂婚的他對這段往事也只會是冷漠的說一句，呵，不記得了。
周末去滑雪。因為一直沒有買到喜歡的頭盔，加上不自量力，摔到頭。當時就知道事態嚴重，先是暈乎乎的，眼睛已經看不清楚。失去知覺了幾分鐘，清醒時看到朋友身上的lift ticket，居然不記得自己在哪里，急得說不出話來，眼淚大把大把的掉。去診所的路上漸漸記起那一天的點滴，卻分不清是夢還是真。到醫生那里已經記起了所有，他說不用怕，只是輕微腦震蕩，多休息就好。
那天玩到很晚。累了，卻不敢睡。生怕閉上眼睛，醒來就失去了那些我珍藏許久的回憶。一整夜不停驚醒，第一件事便是確認我是誰，在哪里，再把我愛的那些人和事默念一遍，才安心重新回到夢鄉。
原來再執著也有可能會失去那些以為永遠會視為珍寶的東西。所以更是想用最最生動的文字來記錄每一個讓我感動的瞬間和那些在我生命中留下無比深刻痕跡的人。如果沒有那樣的天分，那么，用最最普通的文字，兢兢業業的一直寫下去。：）
歌，是我一直很喜歡的鋼琴曲，叫做Reason. 有點淡淡的悲傷，卻能讓心靜下來。
So I came across this random image today, and while the facts are interesting, what made me repost it is the argument one of the figures sparked in the comments — Oprah’s $523 per minute. Actually, I doubt it mattered whether the figure was $5.23 or $52,300, but rather the fact the Oprah, a self-made black woman, was chosen to represent American wealth in somewhat of a negative connotation, and not the white men who dominate the list of America’s wealthiest.
I personally don’t think too much of these things. Maybe I’m just culturally insensitive. Being a minority, I sometimes feel entitled to do so. There’s a fine line between asking others to respect one’s culture and taking people’s unintentional ignorance out of context. In this particular instance, why don’t people look at the big picture instead? Be amazed at what we have versus the rest of the world? Be grateful that we weren’t born into poverty or with birth defects? Be happy that we have food to eat and maybe think twice about ordering that extra dessert that we can’t finish (ok, totally guilty on this one)?
It’s too easy to think about how others have wronged us, and not how much we’ve been given.
The other topic I wanted to address from the comments is the idea that the wealth builds on wealth. Someone noted that looking at the Forbe’s rich list, the top ten people all had family money. Even Bill Gates, however self made, was from a wealthy family and provided a great education from a young age. I take it to imply that had he not been provided with such opportunities, maybe he would never have reached his full potentials.
And perhaps that is true. But can anyone confidently tell me, had he been given the same opportunities as Bill Gates, he can match or surpass what Gates has accomplished?
When I was younger, I spent my fair share of days wondering how much better life would have been if my parents were rich. I would be in orchestra playing fancy instruments like the violin. I would invite friends over without being embarrassed about our tiny apartment where I shared a room with my sister. I would be able to apply to any school I wanted without worrying about how to pay for it. In that sense I always carried with me a slight sense of resentment, and/or arrogance, during my four years at college. “I could do so much better,” I thought, somewhat bitterly.
I don’t know what gave me that false sense of elitism back then. Because the thing is, I never tried. It’s not like I got into Stanford or Harvard and rejected them because I couldn’t afford it, I didn’t even apply. Nor did I get straight As in all my classes at this “mediocre” university, in fact, I started off with a 3.4 that nearly cost me my scholarship. Was it really that I didn’t have the opportunity? Perhaps I just lacked the confidence to take it.
I share this story not because I think a first generation immigrant from a family where no one finished high school has the same opportunities as Bill Gates. I just think, before you blame your misfortune or mediocrity on others, perhaps you should first look at yourself. Bill Gates could have squandered his opportunities like many of the rich spoiled brats we see in the news (My Super Sweet 16 comes to mind). For the rest of us, time may be best spent thinking about how to use what we were given rather than praying for what we never had.
A friend and I once spent one evening amusing ourselves with studying the average household income in America. I was complaining I don’t get paid enough after looking at glassdoor.com and lamenting at how much more I would need to get paid to live in my favorite city. Then I took a look at the income percentiles and started calculating in my head how long it would take for me to make it to a certain percentile. I even went as far as to try and fit myself into an academically prescribed “social class,” before coming to my senses.
I think at one point in my life, I had a goal. A hazy one at best, but still, a goal. To know that I contributed to someone’s happiness, and through it, find my own contentment (I told you it’s hazy). At first I thought about teaching. Then for a while I thought it may be non-profit, or sustainability, or micro-financing. Then later maybe just a company that makes something I believe in. You may snicker at my lack of direction, but at least I’m searching, and in the process learning, about the world around me and more importantly about myself.
So something else happened in this one minute (ok, so it took me quite a few minutes to ramble). I learned a little bit about the world, and remembered something about myself that I keep losing sight of.
http://contexts.org/socimages/2010/01/30/20-things-that-happen-in-1-minute-graphic/#
看小說突然看到這短短一句求之不得，若有所悟。
實在是平凡一句成語，我這般中文退步的人也懂。只是像很多聽慣了話，不會去多想。
這世上有一些東西，我們求了一生，也是未曾得到的。
The most recent book I finished is Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love. It was one of many titles on my Secret Santa list, one recommended by many, but not one I was particularly excited about.
I thought of it as somewhat of a self-help book, a genre I was not particularly fond of. I am very much aware of the fact that I have many confusions in life, but I vehemently resisted the idea of letting other people give me a laundry list of things to do to make it better. But I’ll try anything once, I thought.
But it wasn’t at all what I imagined. To those who haven’t read the synopsis, Gilbert describes her journey through Italy, India, and Indonesia, where she searched for good food, strong faith, and simple companionship. But it was not what she found, or the methods she used to look for those things, that appealed to me. Mostly it was her honesty, the complete admission of all the things that haunted her. She described it in such witty and funny tidbits, acknowledging that these things that she didn’t want in her life existed, and continued to exist. Then she described how she controlled them. Not getting rid of them, just controlling them.
I found it somewhat difficult to read this book without being distracted. Often I would read a paragraph that would make my mind wander into my own life, reflecting on the times when I thought of the same thing.
I think, in the end, we are all searching for the same thing. A comfortable life. Something to believe in. Someone to love.
從元旦一直病到現在都還沒有好。幸虧工作還沒有開始忙，在家休息了一個禮拜，總算能用鼻子呼吸。小小感冒都讓我痛苦如此，更加覺得身體健康是人生第一大要事。
昨天和一個人聊天。說了許多的話，他懂，我很欣慰。我們彼此了解，關心，有許多話說，也愛做同樣的事。不在的時候會想念，有好玩的東西會分享。但是我能清楚看到我們不合的地方。還能這樣理智，所以只是喜歡。
我說，我是幸運的。曾經有個人很愛很愛我。又有一個我很愛很愛的人。雖然他們不是同一個人，但是已經是很難得了。而這以后，我想我會是個很好的女朋友。因為太愛玩，所以或許不會成為很好的妻子，但至少稱職。又或許我會很久很久都是一個人。那，不管原因是我選擇錯誤，還是緣分未到，我都會努力一個人精彩。
而那時候我至少可以想起，在我年輕的時候，那些可愛的男孩們為我做過的那些溫馨小事。
他為我綁鞋帶。鞋子總是松掉，控制不好滑雪板，一路從山上摔下來難過得很。第二天早上他蹲在我前面幫我綁鞋帶。他的朋友都取笑他，怎么不幫我們也綁綁，他只是笑，問我，會不會太緊？下次你自己綁的時候要先這樣，再這樣，就不容易松。他嘮叨的樣子，像個可愛的老頭子。
他抱我爬樓梯。那天是我生日。被灌多了幾杯，還不肯讓人攙，一走出夜店就歪了腳。一群人把我帶回他家，到的時候不要說走路，睜眼我都嫌累。他家客房在三樓，雖然我不算太重，扛上去也不簡單。我喝得傷了心，有個溫暖懷抱，只記得一個人的名字，在口中喃喃念著。他咬牙切齒在我耳邊說，我抱著你還念著別人，信不信我這就松手讓你掉下去。自然是沒有。我在他家客房安安穩穩睡到天亮，第二天紅著臉道歉說再也不敢。
他為我請翻譯。去朋友的城市散心。端一杯喝不完的雞尾酒站在角落看他們越來越high。一個男孩走上來叫我的名字。我還在確認是否在哪里見過他，他卻笑著說，在你的博客上見過你的照片。再追問，才知道是他的朋友請他幫著翻譯我的博客。我想起那個很久未見的大男孩，似乎都沒有同我多說過幾句話，只是靦腆的笑。原來后面還有這樣的故事。
他給我做卡片。手工的卡片做過許多張，那天打開信封看到一只無比大的猴子咧著嘴對著我，頓時就笑了出來。手工或許粗糙了點，卻創意十足。而他的生日，本是準備要與他慶祝，卻因為一時賭氣改了機票，歉疚得很。
他寫的那些話。發在手機短訊里，分成好多好多段，我卻一次都沒有回過。若不是陰錯陽差，或許我永遠都不會知道他曾經如此在意。那些連我都不曾注意的小細節，實在平凡得可以，他卻記得如此清晰。而我，卻連他的生日都還不知道。
他陪我喝燒酒。分手不久我們還在假裝是朋友。我半真半假的對你說，因為你拋棄我，我成了酒鬼。其實那段日子我的確墮落得很，出差反正晚餐都奢侈，常常半醉著回酒店。在韓國城的酒吧玩Texas Hold’em，籌碼從半杯燒酒開始。他的酒量比我還差，又碰巧我運氣好得很，不到半夜他已經喝到吐。最后我也醉倒，哭得七零八落的任他們送我回房間。他坐在我床邊哄我入睡，我假裝沒有聽到耳邊那句我哪里不如他。
他努力讓我笑。認識許多年，我不想浪費他的時間，對他兇得很。曾經因為懶而故意放他的鴿子。他在網上跟我打招呼，十次我或許會回應一兩次。他卻從來沒有抱怨過，還是一次次在我沮喪的時候寄來讓我快樂的話語。或許是一首詩，或許是幾句贊美，有時候是一首歌，有時候是他最喜歡的電影。而他終于找到了100%屬于他的幸福。我也100%為他高興。
他帶著我飛車。上一次騎在摩托車后面不知道是多少年前的事。我膽子并不大，其實并不喜歡這樣危險的活動。但總不能示弱，假裝安定的戴上頭盔坐上后座，手心已經滲出細汗。他平日也算安分守己，飛起車來卻似變了個人。我緊張得偶爾閉上眼睛，而他停下來時會拍拍我抓得太緊的手，我又覺得，還是沒有那么可怕嘛。我們坐在金門大橋下面的海灘上吃熱狗，看遠處Blue Angels帶著彩虹的尾巴沖出視線。我說謝謝。他問為什么，我只是搖頭微笑。2008的同一個周末，我一個人坐在擁擠的車流里，只來得及從后視鏡里看飛機的尾巴。所以謝謝你，彌補了我那天的遺憾。
我與他們，甚至連手都沒有牽過。而他們若是還沒有，也終究會離開。或許很久的以后，他們會禮貌的笑著對我說，有過這樣的事嗎？或許是你會錯意了，那只是誤會一場。但我由衷的感謝他們曾經在我生命中出現，曾經努力去縫補我缺掉的半顆心，讓這樣平凡的我也煥發過光彩。
放上一首應景的歌。Tanya的歌詞總讓我感動。
蔡健雅 -- 誰
現在的我 還是對愛 充滿疑惑
沒對或錯 還不想給 什麼承諾保持沉默 獨自走過
空虛和寂寞 它們陪伴著我
裝作灑脫 其實很懦弱
有太多的藉口 終究沒有結果誰讓我感覺 他最了解我
眼神交錯 話都不用說
就抱緊我 讓我感受 他多愛我
誰讓我感覺 不需要再躲未來的我 一個人過 也算不錯
冰冷的手 插入口袋 也算暖和
日出日落 都差不多
若有誰陪我 那一定更好過
天空為我 一直閃爍著
用太多的藉口 我在拒絕什麼過去心痛 從此被淹沒
就抱緊我 讓我感受
讓我感受 他多愛我
讓我相信 他是愛 愛我的
比去年的強多了。