Remember
我没有偷懒。一直在写字。用平常的语调认真的纪录我的快乐，不安，与烦恼。用我改作业的红笔，刚刚到学校。上课之前。之后。在学校，没有人看得懂这些字，很安心的感觉。
在看一个叫恋爱偏差值的日剧。2002年的。分四个小故事。片头，四个 美 丽 女 人，走进酒吧，每人点一杯自己的最爱。然后微笑离开。
于是想，25岁以后，也许我也会一个人，打扮得漂漂亮亮的，坐在吧台前，让别人猜测我的心情。其实25已经离我没有那么远了。
天晴了一个礼拜。我天天看天气预报，不愿相信又将迎来个阴沉沉的周末。上课前的十分钟总是望着窗外，想，好不公平啊，这样美好的天我居然只能坐在教室里。
然而雨中的周末一样可以是快乐的。我是个很容易快乐起来的人，只是那时候我都太忙着沉浸在快乐的感觉中，没有时间写字。
而有时候呢，虽然很想大声地炫耀，我今天很快乐！却只能在日记的一页中悄悄的对自己说，我今天很快乐。
很久没有上网聊天。对任何人都没有心思敷衍。对不起，我很忙。对不起，我要出门了。对不起，我不在。不是不想理你，是不想理任何人。
昨天去剪染了头发。我发誓我不跟你说你是绝对看不出来的。更惨的是这个看不出来的发型改变居然花了我５个小时，走出店门饿得头都发昏。
记忆中小学第一次读外国故事，不是什么白雪公主美人鱼，而是Homer的Iliad和Odyssey. 在五一路的新华书店，买了两本，一本深绿，一本暗红。当时觉得奇奇怪怪的古名非常拗口，却爱不释手的一口气从海伦的逃离一直看到Ulysses胜利赢回自己的所有。初三的时候跳进普通英语班的时候正好碰到读Odyssey的原文，很是兴奋。但不知是不是少了小时候的想象力，没有了当初的热情和震撼。看Troy, 一点一滴回想起曾深印脑海的情节，很是怀念。故事里少了众神的存在，有点遗憾。但Homer最伟大的史诗，想也不是短短两个小时的电影能够完美呈现的。
Achilles says, maybe not in these exact words, Gods envy humans because of our mortality. Because we never know when our lives will come to an end, it makes everything more beautiful. You, me, here, together, there will never be another now. So, I will remember, today.
Remember - Josh Groban with Tanja Tzarovska
Remember, I will still be here,
As long as you hold me, in your memory
Remember, when your dreams have ended,
Time can be transcended,
Just remember me
I am the one star that keeps burning, so brightly,
It is the last light, to fade into the rising sun
I'm with you,
Whenever you tell,
My story,
For I am all I've done
Remember, I will still be here,
As long as you hold me, in your memory,
Remember me
I am that one voice, in the cold wind,
That whispers,
And if you listen, you'll hear me call across the sky
As long as,
I still can reach out, and touch you,
Then I will never die
Remember, I'll never leave you,
If you will only,
Remember me
Remember me...
Remember, I will still be here,
As long as you hold me,
In your memory
Remember,
When your dreams have ended,
Time can be transcended,
I live forever,
Remember me
Remember me,
Remember... me...
据说
准确的让人目瞪口呆的心理测试
1、假如世界末日来临，你只能解救一种动物，你会救以下哪一种？
a 兔 b 羊 c 鹿 d 马
2．在非洲旅行土中，你造访了一个部落，部落首领坚持让你选一种动物带回去当纪念品，你会哪一种？
a 猴 b 狮 c 蛇 d 长颈鹿
3．你做错事了，上天惩罚你变成人以外的动物，你想变成下面哪一种动物？
a 狗 b 猫 c 马 d 蛇
4．假如你有能力使某种动物消失，你会选择哪一种？
a 狮 b 蛇 c 鳄鱼 d鲨鱼
5．有一天，你碰上了一种会说人话的动物，你希望那是哪种动物？
a 羊 b 马 c 兔 d 鸟
6．在一个孤岛上，你只能选一种动物来陪你，你会选：
a 狗 b 猪 c 母牛 d 鸟
7．假如你有能力可以驯服所有的动物，你会选择哪种动物来当宠物呢？
a 恐龙 b 白老虎 c 北极熊 d 豹
8．假如你有5分钟的时间可以当一种动物，你会选择当：
a 狮 b 猫 c 马 d 鸽子
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Shopping & stuff
I'm such an impulse shopper.
Expensive things I've bought since I've come to Japan:
- Digital camera: spend 40 minutes looking through only ONE store while on vacation in Tokyo, before I even got my first paycheck.
--- what happened: somehow the battery charger died on me and now if it's in a good mood, I can charge my batteries.
- Electronic dictionary: Didn't find anything interesting to do in Osaka so went into a Yodobashi and here we go.
--- what happened: OK, first of all, I realized it's stupid to buy a dictionary in Japan for studying Japanese b/c most of them are meant for Japanese people to study English and I can't pronounce the kanji. Secondly, I made the mistake of sticking it in my coat which got checked at the door when we went clubbing after dinner in Sapporo, and the LCD screen got smashed.
- MD player: Well, basically I was too excited after the sun finally came out on the weekend, and decided to go bike riding to the electronics store and bought the prettiest MD player.
--- what happened: I think it really helps if I knew what an mini disc is and how to use it before I buy the damn thing, because I kinda realized that it's not what I thought it was at all. @_@
And I'm not even going to go into detail about all the clothes I buy and can't take home, candles and pretty things that really don't do crap, food that I never got the chance to cook b4 they went bad, books and magazines that I never read... The list goes on. Think of how much money and space I could have saved if I just learn to think before I take out my wallet.
Hmm... I think it's time to do some more packing. I can finally put away all my winter clothes! Soooo happy. I actually went out in a tank top today then realized everyone else was still wearing spring jackets and sweaters 
Oh yeah, things to be happy about this week:
It's official, I'm going to Tokyo next month (actually in a week and half) to meet up with Sharon and Kristen! I'm sooooo excited to see some familiar faces again! ^_________^
While playing some 2 on 2 bball at my gym, I made 4 baskets during 4 rounds 
I think my bball skills have improved somewhat this year thanks to weekly practices.
I had set a goal to swim 3000 meters b4 I leave Japan some time back, and I just met it this week -- 60 laps in 70 minutes. Don't think it's too bad consider I only swim once a week now.
Actually got a score of over 100 in bowling. I think that's like the first time I ever did actually. That spiked up my interest in bowling, planning on doing some serious practicing one of these days 
Done with the traveling part of my Japan scrapbook (up until now anyway). And it looks absolutely fantastic!!! Honestly though. I'm so proud of myseld 
Can't wait to show people when I get home!
Friendships back to normal. Maybe?
I’m OK
喜欢的小美的声音，喜欢的Lena的歌，喜欢可以用一首歌诉说自己的心情。
喜欢唱歌，喜欢迷失在每一首歌营造出来的气氛里，或悲哀，或狂放，或潇洒，或甜蜜。有的歌，应情应景，唱出来也许别有一份用意，别有一份感慨。有的歌，说着自己不熟悉的感受，像读别人的故事，一点一点地去琢磨那从未经历过的心情。
冲走满身汗，在脸上画上精致的图案，马上变成娇滴滴不知忧愁为何物的小女生。洗尽脸上铅华，褪去一身累赘，却发现不小心也丢掉了笑容。
没有事。至少，没有能以言语表达出来的感伤。
有人说，佳佳你要勇敢一点，不要怕让别人见到真正的你。你永远都不让别人靠近，把每个人都隔在远方。那些只看到你模糊身影的爱慕眼光，其实你得到的除了虚荣什么都没有。只有让别人看到真实的你，才能告诉你什么好什么不好，才能改变自己变得更好。
可是我觉得，我只是知道自己什么地方不好，所以努力去改变，在别人还没有发现以前。为什么要让别人看到我的缺点？自卑也好，骄傲也好，这也许就是我真实的自己。
也许我只是不喜欢听别人告诉我我错了。
也许我真的不懂我错在哪里。
也许我不懂的是自己的追求，生命的意义，宇宙的奥妙，一切令人烦恼却没有正确答案的问题。
也许我只是闲得发慌。
P.S. 你知道吗？也许看起来不是如此，听到你的关心，真的很温心。
作词：姚谦
作曲：Lene Marlin/Pedersen
像个黑白的世界 很空虚的感觉
我怕作不到别人 期待的境界
故作坚强 敷衍去面对
于是善意的谎言 来解释了眼前
给别人恰好安慰 躲开了关心
和他们可能猜想中的脸
I am o.k.谢谢你的关切 给我时间我会复原
希望明天 自信都没有改变 在不确定的人间
镜子中自己的脸 作出微笑的弧线
掩饰不住心里面 想哭的包围
无处可躲 一圈又一圈
莫名有一个心愿 逃开这一切
I am o.k.谢谢你的关切 给我时间我会复原
希望明天 自信都没有改变
我还是相信直觉 受伤是一份学费
为了下一个机会 我想幸福滋味 沾著眼泪的咸味
因此才能对照 酿出酿出其中的甘美
奔向世界的边缘 不用伪装表面
I am o.k.谢谢你的关切 给我时间我会复原
希望明天 自信都没有改变
也许我思维 更清晰一点
I am o.k.谢谢你的关切 给我时间我会复原
希望明天 自信都没有改变
在不确定的人间
在不确定的人间
天黑黑
天黑，又是一天。
妈妈过节，女儿什么都没孝敬。往年都会做饭给妈妈吃，虽然不是什么美味佳肴，总也是一份心意。登不上台面的家常菜，妈妈眼中的欢喜，女儿的惭愧。
只要我好，妈妈便开心了。所以我一定要过得很好。
可是亲爱的爸爸妈妈，很多东西不是你说我就懂，懂了就不去触碰的。还有很多教训我得慢慢犯错，慢慢站起来，才学得会的。
打球回来便懒洋洋的坐在床上，困了便躺下来小睡片刻，醒了便让自己麻痹在武侠小说里。生活突然失去了目标，很是心惊。
听歌。终于装好了歌词显示。我一首首唱，一首首删。3671首歌，以每首4分钟计算，也要整整10天时间不吃不睡才能听完了。
在留守和出门之间徘徊着。电话拿在手上，犹疑片刻，还是放下。
我要乖乖的，一个人。我谁也不招惹。
一年的escapade, 转眼就结束。不管对错，都可以一走了之。多么完美。
其实走不走得出去都只看一个人的心而已。
还是出去走走吧。淋淋雨也好。
作词：娃娃
作曲：陈熙
忘了在何年何月寄这信给未来的我
写著爱过梦过多么简单又多么认真的
那些心愿还有生活
绿洲早已经变成沙漠
恒星粉碎成了银河
这封信像刀锋从无聊生命划过
忽然我清醒了
想起当时的我 没有怕过什么
我想念我 那时的我
热情的心 生命像个宝盒
曾经相信所有传说啊
勇敢冒险只想找到钥匙开那把锁
我想念我 原来的我
那么自由 不管天多高地多厚
没有追求的尽头
忘了在何年何月寄这信给未来的我
写著爱过梦过多么简单又多么认真的
那些心愿还有生活
绿洲早已经变成沙漠
恒星粉碎成了银河
这封信像刀锋从无聊生命划过
忽然我清醒了 想起当时的我
没有怕过什么
我想念我 那时的我
热情的心 生命像个宝盒
曾经相信所有传说啊
勇敢冒险只想找到钥匙开那把锁
我想念我 原来的我
那么自由 不管天多高地多厚
没有追求的尽头
未来的我 信里对自己这么说
希望有元气的活著
有梦就难免寂寞 不要放弃
我想念我 那时的我
热情的心 被生活折磨
开始怀疑所有传说啊
是不是没钥匙能打开那锁
我想念我 原来那勇敢的我
想像自己 在打开宝盒那一刻
也变成一个传说
Light My Way
I miss me. What the heck does that mean?
I don't know what to say.
I am watching 21 Grams. I don't know how when or why I downloaded it. I'm very sad. No one is happy in this story. Is anyone happy in this world?
I went traveling. Met many people. We played and drank and danced. We licked the back of cards and stuck them on our foreheads and thought it was the most hilarious thing in the world. We drank the hostel vending machine's Chu-Hi stash dry. We bargained with the club bouncers and secretly discussed the possibility of flashing them to get in for cheap. We jumped and bobbled our heads and screamed words we don't understand. We went to bed red eyed smelling of cigarettes and exhaustion.
I looked at temple after temple. I went up to a tall, handsome, blond boy in a green and white t-shirt and asked him to take a picture of me. I followed him through the long corridors of Honganji, tap tap tap, bare feet on old wooden floor. We sat on the steps of the temple, me, first from the top, he, first from the bottom. We walked out, me, turning to the left, he, turning to the right. On the wall some famous person once said: その人を憶いてわれは生き。その人を忘れてわれは迷う。
I went to visit dead people. Ran up and down streets outside the temple. I found many. One for the dead in the war. People wrote prayers and drew praises on marble blocks and put them along the steps. One was up in the mountain where most people either feared or did not care to venture to. The temple that was supposed to protect their spirits was broken and uncared for. Then I finally found it. The mausoleum where hundreds, perhaps thousands rested. I wonder if they feel disturbed. Or maybe just thought it amusing that people came to be wowed by their headstones.
I went to Nara. I fed deer. Looked at the city from atop a mountain. It was cold. We drove through the closed mountain road at night. It was frightening. I was frightened. I did not like it much. But all is well. I will not return there.
I went shopping. Walked from the train station to the shopping district, then did most of my shopping back at the station. I bought jewelry for 300 yen. Pretty, shiny little things. I bought a raincoat. I bought stringy tank tops that I can barely squeeze into. I bought a white shirt that will make me look like a business woman buttoned up and a hooker if unbuttoned right. I bought make up and put on a new face. I bought a bag to put in everything I bought.
I went camping. It was cold by the lake. I drank until I vomited all over the lakeside. I asked people questions that I was afraid of the answer to but knew they would lie. I told people to leave me alone but really didn't want to be left alone. I cried. Or, perhaps, whimpered, because no tears fell. I thought it was rather embarrassing to cry in front of people, and would cause unnecessary questioning and worrying, which really hinders more than helps. In the morning the lakeside was still clean, beautiful, seemingly untouched by neither tears nor last night's barbeque.
I went mountain trekking. Got myself lost and found a waterfall. It was beautiful because of the journey I had to endure to get there. I like to sweat. It makes me feel like I've accomplished something. I like to be ahead of people. It makes me feel like I'm better than some. I found a hint of jealousy. I do not need someone to hold my hand when climbing a mountain. But sometimes I wish someone's hand would be there for me to hold if I wanted. So I run ahead, to prove that I need no one. To you, to me.
I went to a hot spring. I don't like hot springs. I am not proud of my body and did not feel comfortable to share my imperfection with others. If I had a beautiful body I don't know what I would do with it.
21 grams. That's how much each person loses at the exact moment of his death. I liked this movie.
I am not as strong as I look. I cry often. I am not as honest as you think. I lie often. I am not as good as you want to believe. I disappoint often.