只有我和你
看半半的博客看了很久，卻是只聊過一次天。這期間她轉職，掉入愛河，失戀，開始跳舞，然后又一次戀愛。我不清楚其中細節，只是從心底的喜歡她溫婉的文字，卻不知道說什么好。
她5月31日寫下這樣的字：
只有我和你。
这方才是爱情。是我们可以谈爱情的资格，是任何人可以说我爱你的前提。
只有我和你。
是啊。這樣簡單的道理，我怎么不懂呢。
我相信，他說愛我的時候，是真心以為那就是愛。只是他的愛那樣自私那樣狹窄，以致不懂得我的愛包含著寬容。于是層層疊疊的謊言，將我們原本擁有過的一切變得丑陋。
我還是放不開。這種骨子里的堅持，是我的珍寶，也是我的負累。但是我會努力。很努力。
信任是把雙刃劍
起的很早。不是睡不好，其實睡得很香甜。只是忘了放下窗簾，一早就被陽光照醒。
舊金山的天氣永遠比我喜歡的要低十度。幸運的話早上可以看見陽光，但大多時候都是霧蒙蒙的。
可是我仍然偏執的喜歡這個城市。
我住在或許至豪華的一家酒店里。大大的落地窗，坐在窗臺上可以看到我喜歡的美術館。大理石冰冷冰冷的。
而兩天前，我還以為我會是睡在你的床上，你不在，也可以聞到你熟悉的味道。我會與朋友們度過一個愉快的周末，然后滿懷期待的等著你回來。
也不過是一個夜晚的事。
錯的是你，是我，是他，還是她？重要嗎？我們都不過是為了自己而已。誰撒了謊誰隱瞞了事實，誰又傷了誰的心，說也說不清楚。清楚的只是這一刻的麻木，連哭也哭不出來。
這讓我害怕。
是誰說，信任是把雙刃劍。
但是，我仍然選擇信任。
Happiness Is A Journey
《去爱吧 如同从来没有受过伤害一样》
- - -神父 艾佛烈德德索萨
跳舞吧 如同没有任何人注视你一样
去爱吧 如同从来没有受过伤害一样
唱歌吧 如同没有任何人聆听一样
工作吧 如同不需要金钱一样
活着吧 如同今日是末日一样
Happiness Is A Journey
- By Father Alfred D'Souza
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Dance as though no one is watching you.
Love as though you have never been hurt before.
Sing as though no one can hear you.
Live as though heaven is on earth.
For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin , real life. But, there was always some obsacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinnished business, time still to be served or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you share it with someone special, someone special enough to spend your time with. Make the most of your time. Don’t waste too much of your time studying, working, or stressing about something that seems important. Do what you want to do to be happy but also do what you can to make the people you care about happy. Remember that time waits for no one. So stop waiting until you take your last test, until you finnish school, until you go back to school, until you have the perfect body, the perfect car, or whatever other perfect thing you desire.
Stop waiting until the weekend, when you can party or let loose, until summer, spring, fall or winter, until you find the right person and get married, until you die, until your born again, to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
So work like you don’t need the money,
Love like you have never been hurt, and dance like no one’s watching.
Happiness Is A Journey
- By Father Alfred D'Souza
她只看自己想看的
西德尼•谢尔顿的小说《假如明天来临》，女主人公特蕾西是清白无邪的小银行职员，却遭人陷害，入狱、判重刑、受尽侮辱虐待，出狱之后是又一个女版基督山，干掉所有仇人后，最后一个目标是曾经的恋人。
然而有一天，她在皇家饭店遇到他与妻子在一起，“脸色灰黄、憔悴不堪、快要秃顶”，他太太也“满脸沮丧的神情”。两人呆呆地坐在那里，一句话也没有。特蕾西想，“摆在他们面前的将是那度日如年的漫长岁月。没有爱情，没有欢乐。”心里一阵释然，放过了他。
在陌生人看来，他在豪华饭店与太太而不是艳妆女郎共进晚餐，经济过得去，夫妻感情也过得去。有点儿疲惫，是都市中人的常态，老夫老妻了，不说话也是一种默契。他不见得幸福，却未必有她想象的那般不幸福。
只是，她爱过他，也许至今还爱他，因这爱，所有刀锋般的恨都钝了。一个念头是复仇，必伴生另一个念头是不舍。她早下定决心要原谅他吧？于是千方百计、火眼金睛地在他身上寻找情有可原处。这世上从不缺少“不得已”，只缺肯接受借口的人。而她，接受了。
这样的女人，故事里、电影里、生活里……都多得是。男人负情背义，她说：爱他，就给他自由；男人不负责不养家，她说：他是个长不大的小孩；男人暴力相向，她说：他下次会改的。女友的女友，遇人不淑，十几年来被同一个男人打骂、遗弃、伤害，却痴心不改。男人病了，她忠心耿耿随侍在侧，男人躺在病床上还要用短消息与外头的女人谈情说爱。人人替她不值，她说：“他是担心自己不会好了拖累我，所以故意让我抓到他把柄好死心——他还是爱我的。”
她们是爱情蒙了心吗？小时候，课堂上做过实验，汤匙插进半杯水里，看着就好像弯曲了。爱情也有这折光能力，一花一叶都带上了圣洁的光圈。
这世上没有无缘无故的爱，可是那缘故，当事人自己也理不清。也许是一点点不甘心——已经付出了那么多，现在放手就亏定了；或者基于恐惧——男人是不是都这样，下一个也许会更差；甚至肉身的贪溺，记忆里他的抚触，仍令她喉头一紧。
于是拼命地，在他身上寻找可爱处。他是一个毒蘑菇？她抱着爱不释手：“你看这颜色多绚烂，这菇伞多华丽，连每个皱褶都精致……”他坏得头顶长疮、脚后跟流脓？她拿显微镜一毫米一毫米找一小块干净的皮肤。实在找不到，她拿胭脂水粉也画出来，画不了他，就画自己的眼睛。
谁说眼见为实？有些人，只看自己想看的，而如果因此，与幸福失之交臂——活该。
ROI
Everything in life can be measured by ROI if you really put your mind to it. The formula is simple: ROI = (Gain - Cost) / Cost. An example? Return on College Education = (Increase in Salary - Cost of Degree) / Cost of Degree.
It's not hard to get to the number itself. It's what you do with the number that causes the headache. Given the same ROI, two people facing the same decision of whether or not to go to college may end up choosing two routes that take them in very different directions. That is not to say that they will never cross paths or end up at the same place again. They may one day yet again face the same decision, and perhaps choose the same route. But life is full of choices big and small, and the likelihood of two people going through life making the same decision on every turn is simply... unthinkable.
That's what makes us human. Unlike computers, our world is not made up of 0s and 1s, and we are not programmed to automatically choose one or the other based on logic. We are impulsive and irrational, and that's what makes it so exciting to be human. To not know what to expect next, but to know every decision we make will lead us onto a new and unknown path.
Sometimes you make decisions that can only be described as dumb (See Darwin Awards winner stories). Sometimes you don't admit you made a dumb decisions. Sometimes you don't realize those decisions are dumb until much later. Unfortunately, or fortunately, life doesn't give you the luxury of "undo." You can only learn from the choices that you later decide are wrong, and hope you do a better job next time.
And why do I say fortunately? Because life is not a Word document, where a typo will be a typo until by some miracle someone adds the word to the dictionary. Life is ever changing, ever flowing, things happening without giving you any warning. Decide to sleep in for five more minutes and miss a flight - bad decision. Seeing the flight you missed in flames on the evening news - seems like you made the best decision in your life. Choosing one of the top accounting firms to work for after graduating from college - good decision. You chose Arthur Andersen - hmm. Even when you don't think you are faced with any important decisions, you are changing your own fate. I'm sitting in my room typing away, and missing the chance to meet the love of my life sitting at the hotel bar downstairs.
Ok, most likely not. But you never know.
Not knowing. It makes life SO difficult, but if that were not the case, then what's the point?
Take your time in making the decision. Research, seek opinions, use silly formulas to calculate the return. But after the decision is made, NO regrets. You did what you thought was best at the time, and there is no "what if." You can't even predict the future standing where you are now, but you think you know what would have happened if you made a different decision way back when?
Sometimes you have to help other people make decisions. When they are weak, when they are young, when they are vulnerable. Sometimes you have to make difficult ones, where you know people will be hurt, or you will be hurt, but it's to avoid more pain in the future. Sometimes, you wish you didn't have to decide.
Sometimes it's just decided for you.
Catharsis
I loved you once: perhaps that love has yet
To die down thoroughly within my soul;
But let it not dismay you any longer;
I have no wish to cause you any sorrow.
I loved you wordlessly, without a hope,
By shyness tortured, or by jealousy.
I loved you with such tenderness and candor
And pray God grants you to be loved that way again.
- A.S. Pushkin
I just want to be out of love. Just for now, just for a while.
I know life should be more than just about relationships. And it still is for me. Friends and family, career and hobbies, I am so very thankful for all the wonderful things I have in life. But there's a huge empty space where love used to be, and nothing, or no one, fits it quite right. Because before you came along, there was this tiny little bubble that I reserved for love. Then somehow you crept in, and little by little you stretched it and stretched it, until the bubble burst and thoughts of you seeped into every corner of my heart. And there it remains, this black hole of emptiness that sucks the light out of my life. It takes the joy out of time spent with friends, dampens the fulfillment of a job well done, and every time I smile, it just seems a little less sincere.
Perhaps it was my fault for not letting go, that led us here, entangled and confused. And I'm sorry for not making it easier for you, just because it's not easy for me. I don't want to be a hypocrite, to tell you that your happiness means more to me than my own, then make you suffer because I'm suffering.
Like you said, people change. You are not the person I fell in love with, yet I'm in still very much in love with who you are today and who you used to be. But I am not what you want. So I guess whether you know what you want or whether you can ever find what you want is really not the question.
Truth hurts and truth matters. I don't really know what's true anymore, and that shakes the very foundation of what I live by. So perhaps I should just follow the same belief in love as in religion.
I will live by faith.
所有人事已非的風景里，我最喜歡你
一連兩個周末都沒有回家。公司的口號是，work hard, play hard。直到坐在飛機上，才終于覺得疲憊。
人生面對的交叉路口像是蜘蛛網。一條接著一條，或許漸行漸遠，早已看不清來時路，又或許繞了一圈，才驚醒已經回到了原點。
接著，便是漫長的等待。
出差一日三餐都是外食。一組同事統統都增了肥。有人建議比賽減肥，按體重百分比來算，一月為期。我至討厭賭博，不肯參加，卻還是與大家一起每周稱體重。也不曾認真節食運動，三個禮拜下來，居然是我遙遙領先，郁悶死一群人。
喜歡的一家時裝店名叫黑屋白市。只賣黑白兩色衣裝，裙子都是露肩半長式淑女型。只是號碼偏大，现在的体重，要穿到兩個零，每每看中了卻還是只能掛回原處。那天原是陪你買衣物，隨性走進這里，看中的裙子都沒有缺號，心花怒放。統統捧進試衣間，一件一件穿出來給你看。
就像是那之前，蒙特瑞的海邊，陽光耀眼，風卻刺骨的冷。舍不得藏起難得穿一次的紅裙子，哆嗦著走在沙灘上，只為了把最美的時光和最美的背影留給你。但即使我給你我的全世界，也只換回一句對不起，我不知道。
我情愿你清清楚楚的說一句，對不起，我不想要。
仍覺得自己幸運。時而有人垂青，惶恐不已，只是微笑搖頭。曾經那樣相愛，家人朋友都祝福，也從不爭吵，卻還是失去你。那下一個他今天的信誓旦旦又能持久到何時？于是，看著年輕靚麗的她對他笑語嫣然，怔兩秒，連忙默默去一旁。不是我的，不強求。是我的，也不會如此輕易被搶走。
反正，在所有人事已非的風景里，我总是最喜歡你。
塵埃里
周末最喜歡的照片。
見了他，她變得很低很低，低到塵埃里。但她心里是歡喜的，從塵埃里開出花來。--張愛玲
夜深，睡不著。想說的話到了唇邊，覺得苦澀，又吞了下去。
過了這一劫，或許就是所向無敵了。但我說，我哪里也不去，呆在這里好不好。
那就繼續蹉跎這歲月吧。
藍又時-秘密
秘密-藍又時
詞/曲:藍又時
你就直接回頭吧 她在等著你
不要怕我會哭泣 早就在心底
想想你說過的話 其實我們不虛假
那就好吧 其實你對我不差
別對我食之無味 棄之可惜
雖然你還有感覺 但不是愛情
想想你說過的話 其實我們不虛假
那就好了吧 這些夠了呀
我們的愛情是秘密 不能成立
就算我愛你也不能夠說明
他在你身邊逗你開心
我只不過讓你歇斯底里
你就讓我跟著你 一起祕密
我們的事情說好不提起
讓我們 都能夠清晰 你和他是不變的定律
別對我食之無味 棄之可惜
雖然你還有感覺 但不是愛情
想想你說過的話 其實我們不虛假
那就好了吧 這些夠了呀
我們的愛情是秘密 不能成立
就算我愛你也不能夠說明
他在你身邊逗你開心
我只不過讓你歇斯底里
你就讓我跟著你 一起祕密
我們的事情說好不提起
讓我們 都能夠清晰 你和他是不變的定律
我們的愛情是秘密 不能成立
就算我愛你也不能夠說明
他在你身邊逗你開心
我只不過讓你歇斯底里
就讓我跟著你 一起祕密
我們的事情說好不提起
讓我們 都能夠清晰 你和他是不變的定律
Smile
照片是朋友的新生儿。去看她的时候才10天大。我说，你看她笑了。朋友说，她还不懂得笑=快乐呢。我在心里说，自己懂不懂都不重要，别人觉得你快乐就好。
四月的德州，还不算热，只是潮湿，空气里闷闷的有种窒息的味道。每年的这个季节都让我想起小时候，总是在这样潮湿的热度里猛的惊醒。只是那时候觉得世界就是这样子的，也无从抱怨。
看到的越多，听到的越多，才会慢慢生出向往，而对自身的定位感觉不满。所以人常常怀念小时候简简单单的满足。可是也只有对现状不满，才能让自己有更多的追求。而不断地追求，才是人生的真谛吧。
Life is a journey of endless searching and discoveries, but there should be always be something that keeps you grounded. A place you call home, or someone by your side. So when you lose your direction forward, you at least know your way back home. And when you are discouraged, there is a smile to give you hope, and a hand to give you support.
换了新的页面。同样的色调，觉得更加清爽一点，也充分的利用了空间。喜欢不？
我也知道，最近哀怨到不像自己。但是，每天打起精神来对每一个人笑已经是很累的事情。总还是要有个地方来叹叹气，流流眼泪吧。要不然，真是会被折磨得疯掉呢。