求之不得
看小說突然看到這短短一句求之不得，若有所悟。
實在是平凡一句成語，我這般中文退步的人也懂。只是像很多聽慣了話，不會去多想。
這世上有一些東西，我們求了一生，也是未曾得到的。
The most recent book I finished is Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love. It was one of many titles on my Secret Santa list, one recommended by many, but not one I was particularly excited about.
I thought of it as somewhat of a self-help book, a genre I was not particularly fond of. I am very much aware of the fact that I have many confusions in life, but I vehemently resisted the idea of letting other people give me a laundry list of things to do to make it better. But I'll try anything once, I thought.
But it wasn't at all what I imagined. To those who haven't read the synopsis, Gilbert describes her journey through Italy, India, and Indonesia, where she searched for good food, strong faith, and simple companionship. But it was not what she found, or the methods she used to look for those things, that appealed to me. Mostly it was her honesty, the complete admission of all the things that haunted her. She described it in such witty and funny tidbits, acknowledging that these things that she didn't want in her life existed, and continued to exist. Then she described how she controlled them. Not getting rid of them, just controlling them.
I found it somewhat difficult to read this book without being distracted. Often I would read a paragraph that would make my mind wander into my own life, reflecting on the times when I thought of the same thing.
I think, in the end, we are all searching for the same thing. A comfortable life. Something to believe in. Someone to love.
小事
從元旦一直病到現在都還沒有好。幸虧工作還沒有開始忙，在家休息了一個禮拜，總算能用鼻子呼吸。小小感冒都讓我痛苦如此，更加覺得身體健康是人生第一大要事。
昨天和一個人聊天。說了許多的話，他懂，我很欣慰。我們彼此了解，關心，有許多話說，也愛做同樣的事。不在的時候會想念，有好玩的東西會分享。但是我能清楚看到我們不合的地方。還能這樣理智，所以只是喜歡。
我說，我是幸運的。曾經有個人很愛很愛我。又有一個我很愛很愛的人。雖然他們不是同一個人，但是已經是很難得了。而這以后，我想我會是個很好的女朋友。因為太愛玩，所以或許不會成為很好的妻子，但至少稱職。又或許我會很久很久都是一個人。那，不管原因是我選擇錯誤，還是緣分未到，我都會努力一個人精彩。
而那時候我至少可以想起，在我年輕的時候，那些可愛的男孩們為我做過的那些溫馨小事。
他為我綁鞋帶。鞋子總是松掉，控制不好滑雪板，一路從山上摔下來難過得很。第二天早上他蹲在我前面幫我綁鞋帶。他的朋友都取笑他，怎么不幫我們也綁綁，他只是笑，問我，會不會太緊？下次你自己綁的時候要先這樣，再這樣，就不容易松。他嘮叨的樣子，像個可愛的老頭子。
他抱我爬樓梯。那天是我生日。被灌多了幾杯，還不肯讓人攙，一走出夜店就歪了腳。一群人把我帶回他家，到的時候不要說走路，睜眼我都嫌累。他家客房在三樓，雖然我不算太重，扛上去也不簡單。我喝得傷了心，有個溫暖懷抱，只記得一個人的名字，在口中喃喃念著。他咬牙切齒在我耳邊說，我抱著你還念著別人，信不信我這就松手讓你掉下去。自然是沒有。我在他家客房安安穩穩睡到天亮，第二天紅著臉道歉說再也不敢。
他為我請翻譯。去朋友的城市散心。端一杯喝不完的雞尾酒站在角落看他們越來越high。一個男孩走上來叫我的名字。我還在確認是否在哪里見過他，他卻笑著說，在你的博客上見過你的照片。再追問，才知道是他的朋友請他幫著翻譯我的博客。我想起那個很久未見的大男孩，似乎都沒有同我多說過幾句話，只是靦腆的笑。原來后面還有這樣的故事。
他給我做卡片。手工的卡片做過許多張，那天打開信封看到一只無比大的猴子咧著嘴對著我，頓時就笑了出來。手工或許粗糙了點，卻創意十足。而他的生日，本是準備要與他慶祝，卻因為一時賭氣改了機票，歉疚得很。
他寫的那些話。發在手機短訊里，分成好多好多段，我卻一次都沒有回過。若不是陰錯陽差，或許我永遠都不會知道他曾經如此在意。那些連我都不曾注意的小細節，實在平凡得可以，他卻記得如此清晰。而我，卻連他的生日都還不知道。
他陪我喝燒酒。分手不久我們還在假裝是朋友。我半真半假的對你說，因為你拋棄我，我成了酒鬼。其實那段日子我的確墮落得很，出差反正晚餐都奢侈，常常半醉著回酒店。在韓國城的酒吧玩Texas Hold'em，籌碼從半杯燒酒開始。他的酒量比我還差，又碰巧我運氣好得很，不到半夜他已經喝到吐。最后我也醉倒，哭得七零八落的任他們送我回房間。他坐在我床邊哄我入睡，我假裝沒有聽到耳邊那句我哪里不如他。
他努力讓我笑。認識許多年，我不想浪費他的時間，對他兇得很。曾經因為懶而故意放他的鴿子。他在網上跟我打招呼，十次我或許會回應一兩次。他卻從來沒有抱怨過，還是一次次在我沮喪的時候寄來讓我快樂的話語。或許是一首詩，或許是幾句贊美，有時候是一首歌，有時候是他最喜歡的電影。而他終于找到了100%屬于他的幸福。我也100%為他高興。
他帶著我飛車。上一次騎在摩托車后面不知道是多少年前的事。我膽子并不大，其實并不喜歡這樣危險的活動。但總不能示弱，假裝安定的戴上頭盔坐上后座，手心已經滲出細汗。他平日也算安分守己，飛起車來卻似變了個人。我緊張得偶爾閉上眼睛，而他停下來時會拍拍我抓得太緊的手，我又覺得，還是沒有那么可怕嘛。我們坐在金門大橋下面的海灘上吃熱狗，看遠處Blue Angels帶著彩虹的尾巴沖出視線。我說謝謝。他問為什么，我只是搖頭微笑。2008的同一個周末，我一個人坐在擁擠的車流里，只來得及從后視鏡里看飛機的尾巴。所以謝謝你，彌補了我那天的遺憾。
我與他們，甚至連手都沒有牽過。而他們若是還沒有，也終究會離開。或許很久的以后，他們會禮貌的笑著對我說，有過這樣的事嗎？或許是你會錯意了，那只是誤會一場。但我由衷的感謝他們曾經在我生命中出現，曾經努力去縫補我缺掉的半顆心，讓這樣平凡的我也煥發過光彩。
放上一首應景的歌。Tanya的歌詞總讓我感動。
蔡健雅 - 誰
現在的我 還是對愛 充滿疑惑
沒對或錯 還不想給 什麼承諾保持沉默 獨自走過
空虛和寂寞 它們陪伴著我
裝作灑脫 其實很懦弱
有太多的藉口 終究沒有結果誰讓我感覺 他最了解我
眼神交錯 話都不用說
就抱緊我 讓我感受 他多愛我
誰讓我感覺 不需要再躲未來的我 一個人過 也算不錯
冰冷的手 插入口袋 也算暖和
日出日落 都差不多
若有誰陪我 那一定更好過
天空為我 一直閃爍著
用太多的藉口 我在拒絕什麼過去心痛 從此被淹沒
就抱緊我 讓我感受
讓我感受 他多愛我
讓我相信 他是愛 愛我的
超級愛的mashup
比去年的強多了。
- The Black Eyed Peas - BOOM BOOM POW
- Lady Gaga - POKER FACE
- Lady Gaga Featuring Colby O’Donis - JUST DANCE
- The Black Eyed Peas - I GOTTA FEELING
- Taylor Swift - LOVE STORY
- Flo Rida - RIGHT ROUND
- Jason Mraz - I’M YOURS
- Beyonce - SINGLE LADIES (PUT A RING ON IT)
- Kanye West - HEARTLESS
- The All-American Rejects - GIVES YOU HELL
- Taylor Swift - YOU BELONG WITH ME
- T.I. Featuring Justin Timberlake - DEAD AND GONE
- The Fray - YOU FOUND ME
- Kings Of Leon - USE SOMEBODY
- Keri Hilson Featuring Kanye West & Ne-Yo - KNOCK YOU DOWN
- Jamie Foxx Featuring T-Pain - BLAME IT
- Pitbull - I KNOW YOU WANT ME (CALLE OCHO)
- T.I. Featuring Rihanna - LIVE YOUR LIFE
- Soulja Boy Tell ‘em Featuring Sammie - KISS ME THRU THE PHONE
- Jay Sean Featuring Lil Wayne - DOWN
- Miley Cyrus - THE CLIMB
- Drake - BEST I EVER HAD
- Kelly Clarkson - MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT YOU
- Beyonce - HALO
- Katy Perry - HOT N COLD
2009 in Pictures
新年好：）
本來是要昨天寫這篇總結的，因為懶，就沒有。不過今天也是個值得紀念的日子哦。20100102. 你看，這個數字，不管是順著還是倒過來，都是一樣的呢 
<< January >>
Fun at Nasher Museum.
Blast from the 80s as we karaoke to welcome the new year and celebrate birthdays.
Icy.
<< February >>
3 penguins at the Dallas Zoo.
在Houston做湯圓。雖然不怎么好看，可是很好吃哦！
Shooting range on valentine's day. Pure coincidence 
Cute babies. And more coming! Hiroko's baby shower
Fun in the snow: snowboarding, snowmobiling, dog sledding, and ice skating on a lake! Not bad for 4 days
<< March >>
Morningside Revue. A talent show and even funnier photo shoot.
More snowboarding fun in Tahoe.
CalAcademy. A phone dropped in the toilet can lead to more drama than you realize.
Exploring SF MoMA with Susan
My new friend Monkie.
<< April >>
Home made Snuggies. Happy April's Fools!
Fort Worth Zoo with the family.
Santa Cruz. Thank you for caring.
My bball buddies!
Fort Worth Arts Festival with the boys.
Chinese food fair!
Flag football and picnic in the park
<< May >>
The nastiest wings EVER. Kudos to those who were up for the challenge
Friends. At De Young Museum.
17 miles. So close yet so far.
Biking across the Golden Gate!
Bay to Breakers. With them silly Fighting Illini boys.
Licking my wounds in Napa.
<< June >>
Hiking in Texas! Never thought it was possible
City Arts Festival in 100 degree weather.
As the sun sets over the Palace in Madrid, Spain
Spending a quiet afternoon in a monastery in Toledo, Spain
Marveling at the ancient aqueduct in Segovia, Spain
Enjoying the spectacular music and light show at the Magic Fountain in Barcelona, Spain
<< July >>
Watching the Ironman competition in Nice, France
Bird watching in Monaco
Enjoying the sun in Cannes, France
Paris Je'taime~
Fun with Alphie & Zoey!
Boo, Sharon's going away 
Happy birthday to me, and a final goodbye to you.
<< August >>
Legally Blonde the musical, and more cakes for my bday!
Wedding dress shopping
Mug making for our birthdays!
Jumpfest over Lake Travis
NYC with new friends
Doctors and patients party to celebrate Yung!
<< September >>
Chicago with Connie & Julie
Irene and Eddi in SF!
Balloon fest with Winnie & Tam
LA with my favorite Alamo team
First time rock climbing!
<< October >>
Fleet Weekend. Thank you for making my last weekend in SF wonderful.
A visitor
First time seeing a marching band on ice at the Toronto/Dallas hockey game
Halloweeeeeen!
<< November >>
LOVE the yogurt invasion in Dallas!
I have no pole dancing talent
Thanksgiving dinner
Puppies!
Building my first computer
<< December >>
Jo's wedding and a mini high school reunion
Bonenkai. Riko's all grown up!
It's Secret Santa time!
My favorite doggie
Snow day!
Snowboarding at Wolf Creek with my new gear
Bye bye 2009
一路看過來，2009還真是無比豐富的一年呢。希望2010年還要更加精彩些：）