TBD
Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
To go or not to go? That is the question.
I made a mental list of pros and cons, and they've been fighting in my head all weekend.
And I finally decided, if I'm going to have regrets in life, let it be for the things I did, and not for the things I didn't have the courage to do.
傳奇
二十年未見的大雪。大家都驚喜得不知所措。
帶了Alice送的大小Danbo出去玩雪。一家四口還堆了個大雪人，好玩得很。
還沒有看春晚，只是朋友發了王菲和小虎隊的片段來。小虎隊唱的還是那么爛，王菲唱的還是那么美，我還是兩個都固執的喜歡。
但是我們都老了呀。我看王菲穿著Alexander McQueen的艷麗粉紅色，雖然臉上不見一絲皺紋，也遮不住眼角的滄桑。而幾只小虎更是早就脫掉了青澀，再唱再跳，也不再是當年的陽光少年。
真是忙碌的周末。兩個朋友的生日，新年和情人節，再加上奧運會開幕式和NBA全明星賽。一天比一天晚回家，倦得很。
那之后，就是從來都逃不過的狂歡過后的低谷。
酒精作祟，憑記憶撥了個熟悉的號碼。清晨四點半，那里，也是兩點多了。
連自己家里的電話都記不住，刪了這么久的號碼倒還是記得清清楚楚的。
Google Talk上他的名字刪了又加。也不是要和他講話，只是偶爾看看他還在，就夠了。他倒是從來也不曾刪掉我。
直到現在。
把他的名字加上去居然什么都沒有。一時覺得空蕩蕩的。
一直以來，最難過的事不是因為你曾經傷害我，而是因為你不需要我。
但是MSN上你還是在的。只是，在我們不再視屏以后，你也就從來不曾在線了。
這樣也好，我并不期待與你聊天。只是胡亂地自言自語了一堆若是你會看，反而不會說的話。
她唱，只是因為人群里多看了你一眼。。。
宅到連客廳都懶得去。
喜歡的電視在網上都能看到。只晚一點點。
在NBC上選冬奧里面自己喜歡的運動看。這幾天的，只看了short track, snowboard cross, 和pairs figure skating.
前兩個都是看得緊張無比。Ohno這塊銀牌真是多虧了韓國人的自相殘殺。Wescott卻是全靠自己一點點追上。
最精彩的自然是趙宏博和申雪的復出。十年前是我最瘋狂愛戀花樣滑冰的年代。記得那時候他們總被批評動作僵硬，不夠graceful。那時候我也是更喜歡Berezhnaya/Sikharulidze。這幾年來有了其他的興趣，冰上都是生面孔。能再看到他們真是覺得親切。申雪尖叫落淚的那一刻，居然也忍不住紅了眼眶。
終于又記起了為什么這么愛看奧運會。
還有十二天。讓我一直沉浸在感動中吧：）
2000年8月22日
從高中起電腦換了不知道多少臺。內存雖然遺失了不少，卻有一些偷偷的在角落安靜的待了上十年。
比如說這樣一封信，最后改動的日期是2000年8月22日。它其實并算不上一封信，只是朋友給我的VCD上存的小文檔。那張宇多田光的VCD我已經找不到了，卻奇跡般的保留下了這段溫暖的回憶。
他說，夏天要結束了，真難相信呢！還記得你告訴過我的那些新學期的愿望嗎？我也有一些呢。我要：
1) 做一個更快樂的人
2) 少玩些電動
3) 認真學習
他說，與父母間的關系越來越差，從小他們都只會教訓我，現在我都快20歲了，才想要與我交流，他們以為那么簡單嗎？
他說，真高興有你們這群好朋友，才讓我的生活這樣有趣。我永遠都不會把你們的友情當作理所當然。
把這樣一段他早已忘記的青澀回憶寄了給他，兩人免不了又是唏噓一番。他說，我已經不聽亞洲音樂，但是那時候學的韓文在工作上還能用到一些。電動早沒有時間打，一下班回家就睡覺。關于家庭，他只字不提，只說婚禮的安排真是麻煩。
我已經不是他傾訴的那個人，但是想起曾經有人這樣珍惜我們之間的友情，便覺得幸福。
興趣來了便搜索了一番，又找到與另外一個朋友的一段對話。他喜歡上一個連名字都不知道的女孩，給她取了個可愛的昵稱叫Elfy。我慫恿他把遇見她的心情寫出來，現在拿來讀，真是孩子氣。可惜現在都難得能與他說上句話，我猜剛訂婚的他對這段往事也只會是冷漠的說一句，呵，不記得了。
周末去滑雪。因為一直沒有買到喜歡的頭盔，加上不自量力，摔到頭。當時就知道事態嚴重，先是暈乎乎的，眼睛已經看不清楚。失去知覺了幾分鐘，清醒時看到朋友身上的lift ticket，居然不記得自己在哪里，急得說不出話來，眼淚大把大把的掉。去診所的路上漸漸記起那一天的點滴，卻分不清是夢還是真。到醫生那里已經記起了所有，他說不用怕，只是輕微腦震蕩，多休息就好。
那天玩到很晚。累了，卻不敢睡。生怕閉上眼睛，醒來就失去了那些我珍藏許久的回憶。一整夜不停驚醒，第一件事便是確認我是誰，在哪里，再把我愛的那些人和事默念一遍，才安心重新回到夢鄉。
原來再執著也有可能會失去那些以為永遠會視為珍寶的東西。所以更是想用最最生動的文字來記錄每一個讓我感動的瞬間和那些在我生命中留下無比深刻痕跡的人。如果沒有那樣的天分，那么，用最最普通的文字，兢兢業業的一直寫下去。：）
歌，是我一直很喜歡的鋼琴曲，叫做Reason. 有點淡淡的悲傷，卻能讓心靜下來。
20 things that happen in 1 minute
So I came across this random image today, and while the facts are interesting, what made me repost it is the argument one of the figures sparked in the comments -- Oprah's $523 per minute. Actually, I doubt it mattered whether the figure was $5.23 or $52,300, but rather the fact the Oprah, a self-made black woman, was chosen to represent American wealth in somewhat of a negative connotation, and not the white men who dominate the list of America's wealthiest.
I personally don't think too much of these things. Maybe I'm just culturally insensitive. Being a minority, I sometimes feel entitled to do so. There's a fine line between asking others to respect one's culture and taking people's unintentional ignorance out of context. In this particular instance, why don't people look at the big picture instead? Be amazed at what we have versus the rest of the world? Be grateful that we weren't born into poverty or with birth defects? Be happy that we have food to eat and maybe think twice about ordering that extra dessert that we can't finish (ok, totally guilty on this one)?
It's too easy to think about how others have wronged us, and not how much we've been given.
The other topic I wanted to address from the comments is the idea that the wealth builds on wealth. Someone noted that looking at the Forbe's rich list, the top ten people all had family money. Even Bill Gates, however self made, was from a wealthy family and provided a great education from a young age. I take it to imply that had he not been provided with such opportunities, maybe he would never have reached his full potentials.
And perhaps that is true. But can anyone confidently tell me, had he been given the same opportunities as Bill Gates, he can match or surpass what Gates has accomplished?
When I was younger, I spent my fair share of days wondering how much better life would have been if my parents were rich. I would be in orchestra playing fancy instruments like the violin. I would invite friends over without being embarrassed about our tiny apartment where I shared a room with my sister. I would be able to apply to any school I wanted without worrying about how to pay for it. In that sense I always carried with me a slight sense of resentment, and/or arrogance, during my four years at college. "I could do so much better," I thought, somewhat bitterly.
I don't know what gave me that false sense of elitism back then. Because the thing is, I never tried. It's not like I got into Stanford or Harvard and rejected them because I couldn't afford it, I didn't even apply. Nor did I get straight As in all my classes at this "mediocre" university, in fact, I started off with a 3.4 that nearly cost me my scholarship. Was it really that I didn't have the opportunity? Perhaps I just lacked the confidence to take it.
I share this story not because I think a first generation immigrant from a family where no one finished high school has the same opportunities as Bill Gates. I just think, before you blame your misfortune or mediocrity on others, perhaps you should first look at yourself. Bill Gates could have squandered his opportunities like many of the rich spoiled brats we see in the news (My Super Sweet 16 comes to mind). For the rest of us, time may be best spent thinking about how to use what we were given rather than praying for what we never had.
A friend and I once spent one evening amusing ourselves with studying the average household income in America. I was complaining I don't get paid enough after looking at glassdoor.com and lamenting at how much more I would need to get paid to live in my favorite city. Then I took a look at the income percentiles and started calculating in my head how long it would take for me to make it to a certain percentile. I even went as far as to try and fit myself into an academically prescribed "social class," before coming to my senses.
I think at one point in my life, I had a goal. A hazy one at best, but still, a goal. To know that I contributed to someone's happiness, and through it, find my own contentment (I told you it's hazy). At first I thought about teaching. Then for a while I thought it may be non-profit, or sustainability, or micro-financing. Then later maybe just a company that makes something I believe in. You may snicker at my lack of direction, but at least I'm searching, and in the process learning, about the world around me and more importantly about myself.
So something else happened in this one minute (ok, so it took me quite a few minutes to ramble). I learned a little bit about the world, and remembered something about myself that I keep losing sight of.
http://contexts.org/socimages/2010/01/30/20-things-that-happen-in-1-minute-graphic/#
